The Triple A - Actually Acting Again!

It's been so long since I've put on my acting hat. Not just stepped on to a stage or in front of a camera, but even applied for jobs, attended auditions. I've done nothing. No new headshots. I wasn't even sure whether to renew my Spotlight this year. It's odd when you consider my number one aim has always been to be an actress. 

When you tell your parents you want to be an actress they are rarely over the moon. Although I'm lucky enough that mine do find the whole theatre thing exciting and are very supportive, they're also two extremely practical entrepreneurs who made me think over every possible alternative to such a tough, unstable career. They've never blindly applauded my talents, only congratulating me when they've actually enjoyed a performance. They've suggested becoming a barrister (ensuring me "It's just like acting!"), discussed possible second strings to my bow and drummed the adage into me "Be an actress if it's the only thing you can imagine doing with your life". I do agree with this statement and so, as someone with a good education and a degree, I have wondered numerous times whether there's another route I should be taking. It's not that I think I'm better than anyone else, truthfully I want desperately to be standing on stage night after night. It's more that sometimes I think that it's a selfish route to take. I know that entertaining people or finding a way to illuminate others and their situations in itself is not selfish, but entering a profession where there are already more than enough talented people able to do the same...well that feels like I'd be better use elsewhere. 

A combination of that and my natural impatience to see something happening means that I've spent my first few years out of university flitting around various roles within the entertainment industry. I've written, directed, produced, promoted and performed. I've essentially done anything to make sure that I have something substantial to my name. If I can ensure getting a new show of good quality and entertainment value to the stage as a producer I'll do that rather than attend audition after audition. After a while of doing this I figured that maybe I'd found my 'second string'. That acting was not the only thing I could see myself doing and therefore, following the logic through, not what I should be doing. 

There's only one problem with this. I miss acting. I try to pretend I don't. I don't really call myself an actress. I'm not pushy and feisty at auditions, I haven't created a vehicle for myself and I'm not willing to give up everything else and hedge my bets I'll 'make it'. Regardless,  there is nothing else that gives me the same feeling as giving a kick ass performance to an appreciative audience. Perhaps my issue is that I don't see myself as multi talented. I don't dance, I'm not fantastic at accents and I'm pretty shy about putting myself forward for things. Perhaps my issue is that I quite simply haven't had the opportunity for a really long time to be in a quality production. There's a lot of unpaid, profit share, slapdash work that it's easy to get involved in. The last thing I was in was at a small London fringe theatre last year and, although it was great to be given the opportunity to hit the stage and the team was very passionate, there was a real lack of focus, of strong directorial vision and of pace. It was difficult for a lot of the talented actors involved to shine in their roles and the play suffered from this. When you can't afford to flit from one unpaid role to another it's important that the opportunities you get are powerful enough to keep you going. This wasn't and, for that reason, I fell back to being behind the scenes and, by now, heading towards my thirties (eek) I thought this is where I'd stay. 

Auditioning recently for Rikki Beadle-Blair's takeover of the Bush Theatre was a pointed act of desperation on my part. I drove the whole process: finding the casting call, applying immediately, checking obsessively for responses and taking a five hour journey to the audition for an unpaid, small, one off role. I was ill on the day of the audition, so ill that I passed out on the train and considered cancelling, but forced myself along. I'd read the entire play, learned the side sent to me and arrived an hour early. I didn't get the role. It was a week later that I noticed another role come up and so, the day before the first rehearsal I emailed at 11pm and secured myself a tiny part. It felt crazy to be putting so much effort in for something so tiny. It's the kind of thing that actors have to be doing daily and the reason why I find it so difficult to work with so little control over what you're offered and who you get to work with in the end. Truthfully it could have been another big disappointment and, if that was the case, I have no idea how I would have felt. But I was lucky. This time my hard work paid off. The script I was given was very funny, the director was the awesome Rikki Beadle-Blair and my scene partner a thoughtful, hard working and easy going guy. Rehearsals were good fun and the people I met all passionate, supportive and talented. A lot of the time I felt quite shy and a bit of a fish out of water. So many of the other actors had just done one show and were going straight into another. Or they'd been to drama school. I was terrified. The good news is...it went really well. The audience was packed, I was on the blooming BUSH THEATRE STAGE (!!!) and our performances got lots of laughs. For the first time in about three years I felt that acting high I thought I'd never feel again.

Hopefully it's enough to make me give it all another go. Step 1: I've renewed my Spotlight. Step 2:...all advice appreciated!

Update: I DID get paid for this. It wasn't unpaid acting work. I'm thrilled! I mean, I didn't know at the time and, if anything, this has showed me to be a tad sharper on discussing fees and whatnot but, come on, I was excited! Thanks again to Rikki Beadle-Blair.