I'm a terrible girl.
The majority of my friends, family, acquaintances, you name it...will tell you that. I have little to no concept of fashion, I abhore shopping and I consider my money wasted when I buy clothes and toiletries as opposed to the much happier purchases of theatre tickets, rose wine and coffee. I very rarely get through a conversation without realising that my mother has spent the majority of the time staring at whatever part of me she feels I've neglected (e.g. usually the eyebrows, she's oddly excited by the opportunity to pluck eyebrows) before catapulting me into the bathroom or making an appointment with whatever hairdresser/spa/whatnot she feels would be suitable for what she has deemed my biggest imperfection of the day. When I walk through a door, my fairly-fashionista sister (at least relatively so) is most likely to take one look at what I'm wearing, my make up or hair, and let out a big, put-upon sigh before imploring me to up my game and putting forward some suggestions for improvement. On the rare occassion I get it right she almost passes out from shock or glee...I can never quite tell which.
Appearance aside, there are a lot of other sections of my life where I feel I fall short of the expected role of 'woman' or 'girl'. It's not that I don't feel like I'm attractive, or feminine...it's not that I don't want to date men. It's not that I'm unable to create close friendships with women - I have some very close female friends whom I wouldn't trade in for the world. But, I have to say that these woman are the exception. In general, I have always identified with and felt more comfortable around men.
In this I'm not referring to anything romantic, sexual or along that vein. I mean more in the realms of friendship. I tend to prefer the high octane atmosphere that surrounds boys of all ages. Babysitting little boys is always a much tougher job than caring for girls---but generally the running madly about, trying to herd multiple kids in one direction and dodging physical attacks from all corners presents a challenge and a diversion from my natural mindset that I'm grateful for. Hanging out with my Dad we engage in such activities as martial arts or watching comedy or...eating...alot. I love the straightforwardness of men - the way that a niggling issue can be sorted in one fell swoop with a fit of yelling or a clash of fists (not that I condone fighting per se but...I'm just saying...sometimes it works...). I'm quite capable of joining in with girly gossip and tactics, but a few days of it tends to leave me exhausted. I chose to live -and did so happily- in a house of five men, because I appreciated the almost complete lack of tension around me...the knowledge that if someone had an issue with me they'd bring it up was liberating. I love how insults thrown by men at each other are meant to shock or drive someone to action, not to maim and undermine the way I feel women so often use them. I don't care about guys being disgusting -within reason I suppose- or being messy or talking rudely...if it's within what I deem natural rather than a falsified attempt to look 'manly', again I'm thrilled at the lack of pretence, the stripped down quality of the male personality. I envy a man's dedication to whatever he's doing at that precise moment - I resent the expectation that a woman can multitask, and the stark reality that what we actually do is divide our attention, worrying about intricacies that rarely exist, fluttering about different thoughts and options, and thus deny ourselves the simple, complete pleasure, satisfaction or interest in a current activity that men so naturally possess.
But, more than anything else, I am desperately jealous of the relationship men create with other men. I so often hear men complaining that they can't talk amongst themselves as women do and, while I think this is perhaps true, I am still in awe of the bond that men have. Whether it's as simple as the old 'bros before hoes' or the understanding that you'll be there in your friend's time of need, I think men have a base, instinctive honour scheme that I want to be part of.
Men can do all number of annoying, unfair or plain nasty things to each other but, when necessary, can shrug them off and go back to basics. I see the way all my close female friends have coupled off recently, how they've become an addition to another person who will always come before me, and I sense the part of our honest, open, girly relationship that has suddenly dispersed. Men -not so much. Girlfriends, wifes, lovers can come and go...obviously secrets will be kept, new lives built...but I adore the way that the majority (not all) of men keep themselves whole. They'll choose an afternoon with their friends sans girlfriend so much more often than vice versa occurring.
And this is where I'm lost.
For the majority of the time -at least in our part of the world where the gender specifications are not as strict as they once were- there's nothing frowned upon by preferring the company of boys. But, every now and then I realise my happy little group have remembered I'm a girl and that, for once, they wish I'd stick my job description. It might be that they feel they've gone a joke too far, they want to play Nazi Zombies without hearing a squeal from the corner, or simply that a new man has appeared who they fear might not be as fond of me disrupting the hormonal balance of a day, an evening, a weekend. Hey, they might simply fancy a girl-free day and despite the fact that I'm not considered a romantic/sexual option for them, I'm still a girl...and suddenly I've lost out on every front. And I'm expected to toddle off to spend time with the women (e.g. all these guys' girlfriends) - an expectation I've always resented regardless of whether it's my friends or my boyfriends pushing me off to do this.
And on my side...well sometimes it's me that snaps out of the situation. Sometimes I see the way men behave towards each other - the animalistic side that so often comes out, the flip way that they'll abandon a drunken or depressed friend expecting him to 'snap out of it'. Or watching them make their way through a variety of ladies- not stopping to consider their emotions or issues- listening to the disgusting phrases with which they refer to their latest conquests.
But the biggest issue comes, naturally, when I fall in love. And then, when my male friends can stand aside and allow my heart to be trampled on with the same indifference they show to all the other women they or their friends get involved with, I suddenly fall out of my idealised vision of the male relationship and lean back towards the fawning arms of my female friends, waiting there with the right combination of platitudes and Ben & Jerry's to temporarily ease my pain and save my ego. But two days in I'll be tired out with talking and crying and I'll head back towards my merry band of men, hoping against hope they'll pretend I never defected, and will welcome me back with open arms and a bottle of beer. I might even try Nazi Zombies. But let's not get ahead of ourselves.
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