Technophobe at 24?

Two days ago I wrote a rant regarding my decrepit computer and the fear I feel regarding the importance it holds in getting me where I want and need to be careerwise. I'm actually normally very fond of technology in general: be it the phone, computers, internet or whatnot. Very fond indeed...I am at one with technology...I'm partial to some time online. Okay I'll come clean to you. I am occasionally obsessive about the internet. I'm not ashamed. Well I am but...admitting you have a problem is the first step to curing it right? Look...it's handy to quickly access the computer's built-in dictionary or calculator when I'm working, and it's a secret pleasure to read hilarious 'texts gone wrong' on DYAC, I'm thrilled all my favourite TV shows are stored neatly online waiting for me to develop the urge for a viewing or that Facebook is ready and waiting when I...y'know...see something or maybe feel an emotion. Yes my phone rarely leaves my side (except, I'm told by friends and family, when someone might actually want to contact me) and...OKAY ENOUGH...I have an addictive personality, the internet buys into that and I have happily sat back and allowed myself to be taken entirely in thrall.

I'm aware of the drawbacks of technology. I know that the internet harbours the sort of anonymous connectivity to others that has resulted in the rise of crime, paedophilia, deception...I know that people say things in text they wouldn't in person, and that our constant attachment to our mobile phones is making us less and less social. Yes I can sense the harmful electrical waves around us, our dependency on sat navs, our inability to spell words without Microsoft Word pointing out our mistakes and I have personally seen attention spans and memory capabilities turn to mush.

But at 24 years old and constantly thrilled by the novelty and expansiveness of technology, aware of it's importance in my potential future successes and dependent on Skype to keep in touch with family and friends when I'm travelling, it's none of the above drawbacks that have finally made me snap.

So what has?

ONLINE BLEEPING BANKING.

Oh and...as a necessary follow up...TELEPHONE BLEEDING BANKING.

What I once -in my moonlit youth- considered a lifesaving, timesaving, fault-free example of the human race's modern advances in science and technology, I now see -in broad daylight- in all it's slimy, repulsive, bureaucratic, money saving reality.

Previously I thought...thankyou bank for allowing me to check my balance when I'm nowhere near an ATM. Thankyou bank for making sure I can shift money to other people and receive money back without going anywhere near your drab, person-filled building on the million pounds per hour pay and displayed high road. Oh the abandonment with with I collected peoples' online banking account numbers and sort codes. If I wrote them on individual post it notes I might even be able to wallpaper my entire bedroom.


But all these wonders -and more- have paled into dire insignificance when I realised that our banks just can't follow through on their promises.

TUESDAY JUNE 14TH:
Sound of a telephone ringing. It's me. Ringing the bank.
BANK: Hello, Bank speaking. How can I help you.
ME: Hello Bank. May I speak to an actual person please?
BANK: No Lucy. The machine will suffice.
ME: Hello Bank Machine. You do indeed seem well trained in the Bank's modus operandi so I...
BANK: Press 1 if you want to open a new account. Press 2 if you want to report a card lost or st...
I pressed 2.
BANK: You have pressed 2.
ME: Yes I have.
BANK: I'm sorry. I didn't quite under...
ME: Don't worry. 2 it is.
BANK: Please enter your sort code.
Sort Code entered.
BANK: Please enter your account number.
Account Number entered.
BANK: Please enter your date of birth. For example if you were born on the...
Date of Birth entered.
BANK: Please enter digits 1, 2 and 4 of your security number.
Digits 1, 2 and 4 of your security number entered. Or so I thought.
BANK: Incorrect. Now enter digits 3, 5 and 7 of your security number.
Digits 3, 5 and 7 of your security number entered.
BANK: Incorrect. For your own safety we have now disabled your security number.

For my own safety? I have now spoken to SIX people at the bank. They each spoke a different mother tongue. None of these were english. They asked me vague questions. For example: What is a memorable place for you? What is a name you know? I swear these were not the security questions I put in place. I know a ton of names. I know a lot of memorable places. Under duress the lady said 'For example: Where were you born'. I told her the truth. London. 'Incorrect' she said. A man asked me how long I had been banking with them. 'A long time,' I told him. 'How long' he said. I didn't know. My parents opened my first account years ago. At least seven I told him...since I was very young. 'You have failed our security measures' he told me. 'I can either post you a form to fill in or you can go to the bank'.

WHAT? I CAN GO TO THE BANK? HOW KIND OF YOU. And until I go to the bank what? Oh I'll have no debit card and no access to online or telephone banking whatsoever. So what you're saying is that I now need to drop everything and go to the bank? What if I was out of the country? What if I was uh...housebound. Why offer online and telephone banking if you can't follow through when something goes wrong? If it's online MAKE IT ONLINE. If it's telephone MAKE IT ON THE PHONE. So please Mr. Bank tell me at what point I will be able to make a trip to the bank tomorrow to change my code, order my new debit card and transfer money into my account before my phone bill payment goes through and puts me into overdraft. Will I get there in time? No, probably not. Will you charge me an overdraft fee...yes of course you will. Is it my fault for having fat fingers that have probably touched two numbers at once, thus causing all this trouble. Of course it's my fault. You know BANK, if you'd just let me talk to a real person when we started this conversation NONE OF THIS WOULD'VE HAPPENED.