It's funny how I spend an awful lot of time on here lamenting the lack of creative opportunities coming my way, but when work does pop up I immediately go off the radar. I haven't written since August and I apologise for that fact (regardless of whether anyone out there has actually been missing my nattering!). I apologise because it's inconsistent and therefore pretty much directly opposes what I wish to do on here which is to build up an interested readership who await my next move. With baited breath. I mean, that would be ideal. If you just stumbled across this and are reading through on the off chance I'll get to some kind of point that's also very kind of you. So I'll do exactly that. I'll get to the point.
Yes, work has picked up a little bit lately. Nothing earth shattering admittedly but trying to keep your confidence and enthusiasm from waning in the writing/acting/creative endeavours' industry can be tough when rejection, or a complete dearth of opportunities, repeatedly come your way. So you tend to be superbly grateful when something works in your favour. The reason August is the month I stopped writing is that when I returned from reviewing shows at the Edinburgh Fringe this year I felt buoyed up by all the awesome work I'd seen but fairly downcast by the fact I wasn't involved in any of it. I was getting fed up of writing about cool stuff other people were doing and wanted some time dashing about in their, superior, shoes. So, fed up with myself floundering about without any real sense of direction, I got to work on making that happen.
A friend remarked last year that I'd always seemed very proactive but that recently, whilst others were forging ahead, I seemed to have lost my way and my zest for the work a little bit. He was right. The reasoning behind this is that I always knew what I wanted to be - and that was an actress. Although I'd never been the kind to push myself forward, to perform at the drop of a hat or to take the lead in the school plays I always sort of figured these issues would slip away silently once I entered the 'acting industry', that I'd come out of my shell and thrust myself forth to wow audiences on stages around the world. This, I don't need to point out, didn't happen. I hadn't applied for drama schools, I didn't have an agent, I wasn't putting myself forward for a great many auditions and, when opportunities arose to spontaneously show people what I could do, I wasn't rising to the occasion but rather stepping back nervously and letting others take the stage. Little by little my confidence in my acting ability, my opportunities to exercise it and my vision of myself as an actress was being eroded. Once that was gone I wasn't sure who I was or ever would be. Although I'd dabbled in and had great interests in numerous other aspects of theatre (directing, producing, writing) I'd never really considered myself as anything or anyone but an actress at heart despite the fact I was behaving less and less like one.
Because I suppose I do, to a point, define myself through my work I was - despite the above situation - working on other projects. Since 2010 I'd been co-running a comedy club in Canterbury. This year the opportunity to become the sole Director of the company arose and, taking it, I created a new show called Stand Up & Slam! with a poet (Daniel Simpson) and booked a three month run for it at a London venue. Although I was excited about it I was also incredibly nervous and refusing to pin a great deal of expectation on the concept. Still defining myself as a slightly lost actress I was looking at this as a sort of side project. So when the first event turned out to be an awesome show which attracted a large audience, a fantastic response and some kick ass reviews it was a huge (and hugely welcome) surprise to me. Since then we've run five shows at the same venue (The Comedy Cafe in Shoreditch), one at the Canterbury Festival, booked a second season in London and gigs in cities around the UK. It's still a relatively new project and still needs a bit of polishing. Who knows what will happen with it in the future but, for now, it's given me the lease of creative life I needed. To have an idea and to see it come to fruition on a stage, with an audience enjoying it, is wonderful. I used to think that the only work I'd create would be as a vehicle for myself as an actress. To have liberated myself from the equation has given me the freedom to look at a project less for what it can do for me and to focus much more on the important things like, you know, what the audience will want! Oh and what performers, music and more will serve the show best.
I'm still a bit lost. I probably will be for a while. I haven't quite found my way, my USP if you will, yet. At 26, I can't help feeling I'm falling behind and that I've failed a little bit in terms of what I had planned for myself. But I am aware this is a tough industry and, while we all enter it bright eyed and bushy tailed, it's no wonder so many people fall by the wayside. Finances are tight, opportunities are tough to come by and I often feel like I have to fight for every single (seemingly simple) thing to happen. I'm still not sure where I'm going, things are very changeable and I do feel panic about all this on a daily basis. But you work with talented, enthusiastic, passionate people every day and, for me, that's like spending every day with your childhood heroes.
